I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
