Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
