The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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