I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
