you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she peed on how many people?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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