just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
