just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
