I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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