My cat gives me a boner
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
be right there i have to get my cape
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
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