dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
