Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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