i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
