3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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