i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
