Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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