Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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