my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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