I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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