You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
