she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
