I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
