i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
