I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
