I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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