He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
