I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
