I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
