dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
