This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
