i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
