I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Randomize
