he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
