I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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