I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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