does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
