She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
