i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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