my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
