Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
