My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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