Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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