I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
