someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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