her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
