lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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