i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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