He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm gonna fight the coyote
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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