Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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