i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
