well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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